Category — Humor

Most people find sleep enjoyable - as it provides refreshing rest for the body and soul. But if you’re NOT like “most people” (perhaps you describe yourself as a rebel of sorts) and you could care less about the health benefits of a great night’s sleep… then read on.  By implementing only a handful of the following tips, you can achieve a truly horrible night’s sleep:

1. Stay in “work mode” right up to the last waking minute.  Keep your mind intently focused on work as much as possible. Even if your body has left work, your mind doesn’t have to!  Ignore any temptations to refresh yourself and “enjoy life”.
2. Get yourself “fired-up” at bed time.  Build off of your frustrations, anxieties, and worries.  Avoid any activities that may act to calm yourself, such as reading, prayer, deep breathing exercises, or any other relaxation techniques.  Especially avoid talking things out with a loved one.  Just keep holding on to anything and everything that’s bothering you.
3. Eat just before lying down to sleep. Don’t give your body a chance to digest your food.  That bloated feeling will contribute to a terrible night’s sleep.
4. Avoid exercising.  Exercise can contribute to the relief of your tension, which you just can’t afford to lose if you’re looking to toss and turn all night.
5. Indulge in caffeine and sweets.  Nothing thwarts relaxation more that a quick burst of “artificial” energy.  Avoid foods that provide “healthy” energy, such as whole grains, beans, nuts, seeds, fruits, and vegetables.  Filling your body with unhealthy foods is one of the keys to achieving a horrible night’ sleep.
6. Don’t forgive others.  Hold in all your anger, resentment, and bitterness.
7. Make sure your pillow and mattress provide no support.  Avoid “cervical” pillows and therapeutic beds, as they can only act to relax your spine and body.
8. Ignore your pain.  Avoid any temptation to call your chiropractor or massage therapist.  Chiropractic care and massage can relieve pain and relax your body and many patients report  that they sleep better while under care.  Relish your pain and stiffness, and don’t worry… it’ll be there in the morning.

Yesterday at the office we received a circular advertisement for a local pizza restaurant. It was jammed into our storm door handle. The ad caught my eye, as it was an attractively designed menu with lots of full color pictures. It proudly displayed the restaurant’s wide variety of selections, ranging from “Gourmet White Pizza” to “Bacon Cheese Steaks”, and from “Cheese Fries” to “Double Cheese Burgers”.

The other thing that caught my eye was something different on the back cover. It was actually another ad placed on the back of the menu. The ad was for a medical team consisting of internists, cardiovascular specialists and cosmetic surgeons!

Right on the back of the pizza menu!

Now that’s what I call targeted marketing! I guess these doctors have it really figured out. After all, who’s going to need their services more than a bunch of pizza gluttons!

From now on you don’t need to worry about overindulging on high fat, low calorie, and disease-causing foods!

Clogged coronary arteries?… Not a problem. Unsightly riccotta-cheese thighs?… Not a problem. Stomach ulcer?… Not a problem. Just call the doctors on the back of the menu. They’ve got you covered.